


Eu Nu Sunt Rupt, Doar îndoit

by Gzmoii



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Multi, PTSD, sex as a coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 17:43:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8111536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gzmoii/pseuds/Gzmoii
Summary: Sam can't forget. He's there, and then he's not. He dissociates. His mind wanders off to places thousands of miles away. Steve loves him. Bucky loves him. He loved Riley.Sex with Steve, Arguing back and forth with Bucky. It grounds him. He needs them.





	1. There's another list that exists and no one really wants to think about this

**Author's Note:**

> These Chapter Titles Literally Mean Nothing

_ One, two, three... _

Breathe. Try not to think about the last man who committed suicide out of the steadily shrinking group of men who survived The Falcon Project. 

_ One, two, three... _

Breathe. Try not to think of all the soldiers suffering from PTSD, all the ones Sam hadn't been able to save. 

_ One, two, three... _

Breathe. Try not to think about Riley, how Sam had only been there to watch him die.

_ One, two, three... _

Sam's breath was coming out in huffed pants. His entire body was trembling. All he could do was think about it. 

The medication wasn't enough to get him through the day, and it was more tempting with every passing day to take three times the recommended dosage, just to be able to fly with Riley once again. 

The therapy sessions only served to give him more panic attacks. He'd been forced to take a temporary paid leave from work to get himself together, but nothing was working. 

He needed an outlet, and he thought meditation had been the answer he was looking for, but this just wasn't working, either. He couldn't clear his mind, and that just left him alone with his thoughts. 

There were a few methods his meditation guide had that did work to ease all of Sam's tension, but his therapist had already lectured him on the dangers of what he was currently doing, before advising him on the best way to carry out Sam's  _ definitely-not-recommended-by-anyone-ever _ tension relieving technique. 

“Sam?”

The voice sounded distant, as if the both of them were under water. Sam tried to speak, but no words came out. He gasped loudly, struggling for air. Once he was able to breathe again, he was in the air, flying. 

“Sam.” 

The voice was familiar, and Sam couldn't help but grin. 

“Riley.” Sam smiled and felt Riley grab his hands, pressing a kiss to his cheeks, and then finally his lips. 

“Let me go.” 

“What?” Sam squeezed Riley’s hand, refusing to let go. “I can't. Don't leave me again, Riley, please!” 

“Sam, you have to let go! You're gonna leave me with no choice.” 

Sam grasped at Riley, but he pushed him back and Sam's back hit the ground with a soft thud. 

Riley’s features shifted, and his eyes went from forest green to a bright, icy blue. “Steve?” Sam looked at the man, who was holding him against the ground, rendering him immobile. “What happened? Where's Riley? He was here, I saved him...” 

Steve looked away sadly. “Riley is gone.” He told Sam, getting off of him. “He died in the war, Sam. You have to let go.” 

“But...” Sam bit his lip. Riley was dead. He didn't save him. While they were flying, Riley had been hit with an RPG and Sam had lost him. 

“Sam!” Steve shouted. Sam blinked rapidly.

“Sorry. I'm here.” Sam took a deep, calming breath. “I promise, Steve. I'm here.” 

“I don't think meditation is right for you.” Steve told Sam, kissing his forehead in the way he always did, since the first day the two of them had met. “I have a friend that could help you. He's a yoga instructor. Good for some that needs to feel...physically stimulated.” Steve patted Sam's cheeks in a friendly manner, a smile creeping onto his face. 

“Yoga?” Sam asked skeptically. 

“Good for the body and mind. Doesn't leave you idle the way meditation does.” Steve took his phone out of the pocket of his sweatpants. “For you, I'll schedule a private session.” 

“And who is this ‘friend’ of yours?” Sam asked suspiciously. “Because Sergeant Asshole is not exactly someone who I want to relax with.” 

“Hey, Sam.” Steve held Sam's chin. “Look at me.” 

Sam lifted his head and was met with a pair of soft lips against his. He went pliant in his arms, Steve’s lips coaxing a soft moan out of him. 

“We both know you're not meant to be idle. Meditation isn't right for you, but maybe Bucky could help you help yourself.” He kissed Sam's forehead. “I don't have any other clients for the next hour, if you're interested in...others means of therapy. We could go back to my place, maybe have some herbal tea, make ourselves more comfortable.” His hands went to Sam's ass and squeezed it through his yoga pants. “How does that sound? I could fuck you so hard that you can't think.” 

“We both know that's not how it's gonna go, pillow princess.” Sam licked his lips, smirking. “You own this studio, right? Who else has keys?” 

“Just me and Buck. He's not gonna be here for a while, though.” Steve quickly caught on to Sam's idea. 

“One of these days, you ever gonna take me on my offer. Me and Buck would treat you so good, Sam. Fuck you nice and slow, take you out and buy whatever you wanted.” Steve smacked Sam's ass, enjoying the way it bounced in his hands. 

That again. 

Sam suppressed an irritated groan. “You’d only buy me lingerie and then try to convince me to parade it around the house for you and Fucky.” He rolled his eyes. 

“You know me so well.” Steve turned Sam around, grinding his hips against his ass. “I like to show off. Not everyone’s lucky enough to say that they're fucking someone as sexy are you are.” 

“You're lucky you have a great dick, or I wouldn't put up with you.” Sam turned around and pushed Steve down. “I don't have any condoms or lube. Gonna have to wait until next time for that.” 

Steve laid back obediently. “Me neither. I wasn't planning on us doing anything here. Come here.” He waved Sam over. 

Sam straddled Steve's chest, leaning down slowly to give him a good view of his ass before pulling Steve’s cock out of his sweats. He grasped it in his hands, stroking it a few times before taking the entire length into his mouth. 

Steve choked out a moan, gripping a fistful of Sam's ass. He released his hold, slowly pulling down the yoga pants just low enough to expose his hole. “Silk thong?” Steve licked his lips. “You know I love your ass in lace. Do better next time.” He lectured, pushing the fabric aside and mouthing at Sam's hole. He dove in greedily, licking and sucking at the sensitive skin of his hole and Sam moaned, sending vibrations around Steve’s cock. 

“This is such an amazing ass.” Steve said in between licks. He alternated between dragging his tongue over Sam's hole roughly and delivering quick kitten licks. He pressed his tongue against the ring of muscle, slowly easing his way in while thrusting his hips into Sam's mouth. “Oh fuck, Sam, I'm gonna-” Steve warned, cumming into Sam's mouth with a loud gasp. 

Sam swallowed around Steve, just so they could save on clean up, and pulled away before he fell back down with a loud moan, his face on Steve’s thigh. “Ah, St-steve!” Sam cried out as Steve thrusted his tongue inside him. He dragged his nails down Steve’s torso, breathing out sharply as he came onto Steve’s shirt. 

Sam panted for several minutes, his eyes half-lidded. “That was good.” He breathed out quietly. 

Steve helped Sam into a sitting position, fixing his clothing and taking off his own shirt. “Yeah. Maybe we could head back to my place, watch a movie? Buck isn't gonna be there, so-” 

“No, Steven.” Sam stood. “I meant what I said. This-we're not gonna push it. Just let it go.” Sam looked away from Steve’s heartbroken face, feeling like he just kicked a golden retriever puppy. “Sorry, man. I'm gonna head home. Let me know when Barnes wants to do yoga.” Sam headed for the door before Steve could argue against the arrangement they had going on. 

Steve was in love with him. Sam was completely aware of that, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't want to be with Steve. But Sam refused to be just another guy Steve dumped for the not-relationship he had with his best friend. 

Sam would be lying if he said he didn't notice a pattern when he talked to Steve in the time when he'd considered becoming his boyfriend. Before everything went to hell.

There was only so many times you could be told ‘ _ Oh, it's not like that with us. _ ’ and ‘ _ Well, it was just bad timing. I couldn't be in a relationship then. Buck needed me, and you don't let down your best friend for anyone. I almost lost him once, you know.’  _ before you started hearing what a load of shit those excuses actually were. 

On Steve's end, at least, it was most definitely like that. 

“Sam,” Steve caught Sam’s hand before he exited. 

“What, Steve?” Sam’s tone was sharp, defensive. 

“Promise me you’ll go to the yoga session. You may not believe me, but if you two spent some time together, you’d understand. So promise me you’ll try.” 

Sam bit his lip and looked at Steve. Those big, baby blue puppy dog eyes were almost criminal. He couldn’t resist them. “...I promise.” Steve let him go and Sam took a deep breath, getting in his car and driving home. 


	2. I'll Be Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _  
> With Steve, it was different. He and Riley were so alike that he didn't feel like such an awful person for liking him. But Bucky was someone so different from them both. Bucky had a darkness about him that was both terrifying and tantalizing._
> 
> _“Answer me, Sam. Are you afraid?” The words were whispered in his ear._
> 
> _“Afraid of what?”_
> 
> _“Of me. Of how I feel.” Bucky said. He grinned as he found whatever it was that he had been searching for in Sam's eyes. “Are you afraid of the fact that, maybe, I want you, too?” ___

“Fucky.” 

“Hey, Big Butt.” Bucky grinned, all dazzling white teeth and strong jawline.

Sam stood at the doors of Bucky’s room in their building, his entire body hardened with tension. He back was stiff, and he stood completely still, practically digging his nails into the door frame. 

“You’re my three o’clock, man, get your ass over here.” Sam awkwardly shuffled until he was just five feet away from Bucky; a safe distance from the defined muscles in Bucky’s arms and back and his broad, wide shoulders. All of him was just so thick, and the loose sweats he always wore did nothing for Sam’s imagination. 

“Actually, I’m gonna...” Sam started backing away. There were alarms going off in his head, screaming ‘Abort mission, subject is too damn fine!’

“Look, let’s just get this over with.” The resignation and...was that sadness in Bucky’s voice? Sam stopped his retreat. “Let’s just try to get along for an hour. I-Steve thinks this would be good. He just wants to help you out. He cares about you.” 

“And you care about Steve.” It was a statement, not a question. 

“He’s my best friend.” Bucky shrugged. “That’s kinda how it works when you’ve known each other since birth.” 

“Is that why you don’t like me, then?” Sam pressed. “Because Steve is in love with me?” 

“So you know?” 

Sam nodded, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. 

“So you’re not just blind. You don’t want to see it. You’re afraid of it, aren’t you?” Bucky stepped forward, and the hand that cupped Sam’s jaw was gentle. He gazed into Sam’s dark eyes, searching for something. What, Sam didn’t know. The only thing he knew was the way his heart was thundering and his chest, and that what he was feeling about all else was guilt. He wanted Bucky, but Riley...he wasn’t supposed to move on from him. It was wrong. 

With Steve, it was different. He and Riley were so alike that he didn't feel like such an awful person for liking him. But Bucky was someone so different from them both. Bucky had a darkness about him that was both terrifying and tantalizing. 

“Answer me, Sam. Are you afraid?” The words were whispered in his ear. 

“Afraid of what?” 

“Of me. Of how I feel.” Bucky said. He grinned as he found whatever it was that he had been searching for in Sam's eyes. “Are you afraid of the fact that, maybe, I want you, too?” 

Sam let out an uneasy breath. “I-” He mumbled, looking down at his feet. 

Bucky moved away, apparently seeing the dilemma Sam was internally struggling with and deciding to have mercy on him. “On to the session.”

Sam let out a relieved breath. He wasn’t ready for Bucky to push him any further. This much was already veering toward being just this side of overwhelming. “Yeah. Let’s start.”

* * *

 

”Any luck?” Steve stood in front of Bucky, who was doing practice stretches, his body bending in ways that shouldn't be possible. 

“Little.” Bucky shrugged. “I'm working on it. He's hesitant about wanting me. He feels guilty, you know.” 

“Yeah. He does that.” Steve licked his lips. “He thinks it’s different with me, you know. That it’s okay to want me because of how much I look like Riley. That’s why I got so far with him in the first place.” Steve bit his lip. “But he’s getting better, after what happened. He’s progressing. When I first met Sam...”

“I know, Steve. I was there too. I was there every step of the way.” Bucky let out a heavy sigh, closing his eyes and holding his pose for ten seconds. He was always there, as much as Steve was, but Sam chose Steve without hesitation. It hurt then, it still hurt to think about how Sam didn’t even spare Bucky anything more than a friendly look for a very long time.  

“We mean different things to him, Buck. Don’t do that to yourself again. He cares about both of us.”

“Stevie.” Bucky uncurled himself out of a sitting position. “There are so many things I want to do for him. I want to help, in any way I can, but he won’t let me.” 

“He needs time. You should understand that more than anyone.” His eyes trailed over to Bucky’s prosthetic. “Sam is trying all that he can. He’s getting help, seeing a therapist. He’s trying to cope after his relapse. All that we can do is support him. Here, call him.” Steve tossed Bucky his cell phone. He caught it before it hit the floor of the studio. “Sam hates going to therapy by himself. Offer to go with him. Spend time with him. Show him that you see he’s trying, and that you care. But...tread lightly.” 

“I know.” Bucky fell back onto the floor. “Who knew love was like this?”

“Would you have Sam any other way?” 

Bucky raised an eyebrow. “That’s a leading question, Stevie. Don’t ask it again.” He frowned and looked away. Leading questions always made him uncomfortable. He felt like he didn’t have a choice when he was asked them, and he didn’t want that anymore. 

“Sorry.” 

Bucky shrugged off the apology. Another thing he wasn’t good with. Steve really did try, but he just didn’t understand. Bucky didn’t want Steve tiptoeing around him, but sometimes Steve’s mouth ran on autopilot, and the things he said rubbed Bucky the wrong way. 

**Author's Note:**

> [follow me on tumblr if you want!](https://nerdbbks.tumblr.com/)


End file.
